the smiling buddha

Sufia is a fake

2011-08-19T22:02:00.001+05:30

Sufia is a fake

My another tryst with imagination.
Characters depicted resemble real people, living.

Amer logs off from Sufia’s account; it has now become tough to fend off her lovers. For Sufia is a girl next door, charming, sharp and emotional in every girl’s capacity. Half the people she has met pass her off as an aspiring model but, she has always been with the arts.

Music and architecture have been her passion for years. She could have easily become an engineer but, she took up creative direction in TV shows for a free lance job. One could woo her with poetry and scented candles; she would flatter you with her sensible humor.

It’s foolish not to fall in love with her.

Repetitive, failed relations with men, more inclined towards the physical contours of a relationship have only made her slumber into the dark corners of her heart searching for something discreet. It’s her bonding with Aseem that has made her experience relationships with no names.

Aseem is from a well to do family in Saket, settled out of Delhi. Being few years younger to Sufia has not deterred them from taking things forward in their so called friendship. He has always been a point of envy in Sufia’s relationship with other men she was yet to face.

Sufia’s idea of meeting exciting people is through social websites as they have enough armor to protect her from unwanted male admiration. Over the past one year she had randomly befriended over 500 men and women she thought would turn out interesting in their own possible way.

She had actually fallen in love with one Mr. Ahmed, painter by profession and a visionary of several art forms. It had become staple for them to meet over the internet and share their daily woes. It was with him that she ever disclosed her part of Aseem. Their chats would see no end on Ghalibs, Popes and would lengthen on Van Goughs and others. Colorful Ahmed, recently married had a great exploration capacity, both believed that they had explored each other to the core but, the quest was never ending. Ahmed on serious nights would at times try introducing a barter relationship which Sufia would pass off humorously. But somewhere down the line she needed someone like Ahmed, emotionally. At times Ahmed would become difficult and try to force a decision out of Sufia.

At times Amer would just sign off.

Amer is a failed poet and a writer. His work of imagination created flutter in the market only in bursts until people started disowning the dullness in his characters. Once a literary genius his work now collected dust in bookshelves across the city, the social media had taken over the real paperbacks.

Sufia is an imagination.

Amer had cultivated Sufia over a year ago while working on a character, lively and emotional. He had taken it too seriously while making her a near perfect online profile. She was born in New Delhi and went to premier schools and colleges finally settling down to a well chosen career. At first he projected herself novice to the social websites and randomly added people who would add her based on the glamorous pictures of her he had made public. For pictures he had relied on Hannah an unknown aspiring Pakistani model who had pictures from her normal and glamorous days.

Like Ahmed there were several men who loved her immensely and little girls who modeled on her. Out of desperation to sort out emotions that were blowing out proportions, Amer decided to reveal all and change her display name to “Sufia is fake, I’m sorry”.

Weeks and lots of explanations after, all Sufia was left with were a few online Romeos, no real men and women who cared. People who had disowned her laughed at their fates and blocked her forever. Amer was never at fault, it’s his own character that had attracted love. Probably packaged in a pink wrapper with a feminine ribbon is what people could see of him now.

But, Sufia was in love and Ahmed would never respond now.

It was like the whole world coming to an end one fine morning when you wake up from a dream that was all rosy. What better now but, to embrace the reality? What about Aseem? Ahmed? And those little girls? Should they be sent back to living in a world so cold, wasted away? But, there isn’t any settling point as Sufia had no choice.

Love for another man, admiration for an imaginary friend, responsibility towards young girls were all at a risk of being termed insane and pervert.

Amer was in love, Sufia was attractive. He wished to be born a Sufia one day in a good life, probably then he could have everything. But he knew probably there won’t be another one like her. It is now he hated, a failed life and no real companions.

That night Amer collapsed in his dreams, never to get up again. Drug abuse was never a solution to kill something crawling beneath your skin.

Flowerbed

2011-03-25T17:54:00.001+05:30

Flowerbed

Dear Amer,

Before you finish this letter, I would've already left the town and I'm sure you wouldn't care where I'll be heading to.

It was wonderful having you in my not so exciting lonesome life and I specially remember the first time we met in the middle of the connecting highway, where my car broke down. I wasn't able to collect enough courage to stop other cars and ask for help, hundreds passed and you only cared enough to stop and ask to help.

The most exciting day of my life was when I moved into an apartment of a building adjacent to your house. I know, till date you think that it was a deliberate act. I just wanted to move into a neighborhood where you lived, it made me feel safe in a new town. It seemed like a very good idea to see you everyday, I was falling for you then!

Seeing you everyday gave me a reason to stay a little more in the town, making me more and more dependent on you even for something like a grocery list. That night when you made love to me, it made me forget my painful past and for some reason I didn't care that you lived in with her.

That time when you were not in town, my curiosity led me to your house, just to see how she was? I told her everything about us, thinking that she would understand us. She never reacted. I came across as an immature girl to her and she was very pleasant to me, her pleasantness was such a killer. For the rest of the day we just talked about you and your ambitious dream of setting up a dairy farm. We even laid a new flowerbed at the backyard together. And she asked me to come over anytime I wished to, work on the flowerbed and put any flowers of my choice, I chose the exotic black roses.

I know she fought with you the next night you came back, because since then you have changed. You got busier, stopped attending my calls and don't care for stopping by at my place. I was sick for a few days and wished that you stayed next to me. Somehow I feel cheated by both of you. I know you find love in her and regret in me now. You could have balanced us both in your life or maybe just let her go, but you chose none.

Anyways, I'm not left with any choices but to move ahead. These streets make me miss you more, strip me naked and make me feel filthy. I just wanted to say my final “bye” to her and return her your things that kept lying at my place.

You've had a tiring trip, please do rest, don't forget to water the black roses for me. Don't look for her in the house, you won't find her there. She sleeps under the flowerbed.

Wish I could love you more,

Sufia

Blink

2011-03-04T02:24:00.001+05:30

Blink

I have spent several sleepless nights on this, what better way to pen down my insomnia like I do here.

The son of the magician,

Had a gift of his own,

He lived out his illusions,

As if they’d never unfold.

Trained to be an artist,

A master illusionist.

He would pluck fired bullets mid air,

And stand on one legged chairs.

Deep inside he was a wanderer,

Of dreams and mystical places.

Not too long ago, his mother had become the star of the night sky,

To see her, he had learned to fly.

She would tell him,

“Win the princess of seven seas”,

For, her beauty was so magical,

That, only virgin minds could see.

He had once heard,

One mustn’t close their eyes,

For once you fall asleep,

She would be gone within a blink of an eye.

He was awake for several days,

Had several demons to slay.

She was being kept captive,

The demons were so non fictive.

Amon, the demon of the Sea of the Anger,

A capable volcanic archer,

Was defeated in patience,

A magical act of brilliance.

Across the seven seas,

He had fought demons big,

And some as small as fleas.

Now, his armor was weaker,

And his presence leaner.

But, he had promises to keep,

For them he’d never sleep.

That night had arrived,

He could see his to be bride.

The demons were defeated,

And their parts had been well acted.

She walked in a fine satin gown,

Fireflies made for her crown.

Her beauty was covered in a veil,

But, she seemed disappearing in the morning rays.

He sat startled on his morning bed,

And could only remember,

Falling asleep just before the exchange of the rings.

Wings of hearts

2010-07-29T14:56:00.003+05:30

Wings of hearts

The first paragraph simply rhymed in my head out of nowhere and I build it up further to a more meaningful read. This, I would dedicate to a destiny's friend and he would know why. Interestingly, it suits me as well.

Sleep well,

Sleep well my love,

You ain't waking up tomorrow,

I'll be grieving in pain from sorrow.

You have lend me women,

Beauties of feminine,

Desirable till the paint on their nails,

Winged hearts, not meant for the jails.

My love, you dint give me enough feet,

To match up to their steps, make the ends meet,

Loving 'em in packets,

Is like warming you under the blankets.

Love, I've shared you enough,

You're one feeling that has melted the tough,

It's time I put you down to sleep,

For what I had seen for tomorrow, lost them all today in heaps.

Sleep well,

Sleep well my love,

You ain't waking up tomorrow,

I'll be grieving in pain from sorrow.

Twenty plus six

2010-05-13T21:52:00.004+05:30

This I wrote on the eve of my 26th birthday; no reasons at all.
I just wanted to dedicate it to myself.

Twenty plus six

Journey’s been made,

Through these silly years,

All of twenty plus six,

After all it wasn’t so jinxed.

Rubbed my eyes twice,

Never saw so right,

Of all the memories that have been etched on the skin,

I remember only those; I was destined to win.

Carry on the road I’ve been walking for so long,

Off people dead or gone,

Cause I’ve been chasing the light,

Want to reach there alone.

My knees have been weakened now,

I will figure it out on my own; somehow,

Never to fall again,

Never to feel the pain,

For all of twenty plus six,

After all it wasn’t so jinxed.

O brother

2010-04-20T21:47:00.005+05:30

O brother

This is for my big sister who always wanted a “big brother”. Somewhere down the line even I desired one. Hope we all can associate.

O brother, O really,

Silly have you been,

Never been born,

All this while I’ve been learning alone.

O really, O brother,

With no mother,

Imaginary in my room,

We brothers bloomed.

O brother, O healer,

In wars you came out a reaper,

We fought men double our age,

On a mountain of pillows our armies rampaged.

O brother, O really,

Silly have you been,

Never been born,

All this while I’ve been learning alone.

O brother, big brother,

Where have you been?

I’ve been falling all this while learning to ride,

You’ve never been holding my side.

O brother, O dear,

I messed up my first kiss,

Adult-rated the miss,

Hate you for mocking my missed bliss.

O brother, O really,

Silly have you been,

Never been born,

All this while I’ve been learning alone.

O brother, my mirror,

The imaginary son,

When I’ll be gone,

Will you look after my mother’s home?

O brother, like father,

I know you’ll always be there,

Best in your imaginary self,

Extending a hand to help.

O brother, O really,

Silly have you been,

Never been born,

All this while I’ve been learning alone.

The funeral clown

2009-09-17T17:47:00.008+05:30

The funeral clown

It went with the emotions.

The clown’s all red

In a bloody pool of his dead

He kills himself every moonlit night

Stretches a smile on his face

Farthest to chase

Dress in reds and whites and brightest of pink

Amuses the faces that are so grim

Has a tiny heart within

That beats the loudest to begin

It pays in attention, love and laughter

The man’s well sought after

All for a lonely clown

The biggest gig in his town

The clown’s all red

In a bloody pool of his dead

He kills himself every moonlit night

Stretches a smile on his face

Farthest to chase

No, he’s no fake by any means

Surfing the shallow shores, he dares to lean

Flicking and juggling on a worn out board

He cares less and appears so bold

Just a tincture of madness she carries

Watch out, you Tom, Dick and Harries

Present at almost all his gigs

The clown’s chick is hard to resist

The clown’s all red

In a bloody pool of his dead

He kills himself every moonlit night

Stretches a smile on his face

Farthest to chase

He had several promises to keep

For them, he had to scale the seas

The chick was a difficult woman to contain

Futile to convince that love could be maintained

To her, he lost the virginity of his soul

She crept in his being like a tiny mole

She feared the loss of something cherishable

Believed their love was not liveable

The clown’s all red

In a bloody pool of his dead

He kills himself every moonlit night

Stretches a smile on his face

Farthest to chase

A decision is hard to make

To part ways

And yet have parallel lanes

They held hands

And

Shed mixed tears

She got him a job of a funeral singer

Slow was the pace and sadness lingered

This was the best way to stay in touch

Still, they could not achieve much

The clown’s all white

In a mist of low height

He kills himself every moonlit night

Stretches the chords of his guitar

To tie to the ceilings, must reach that far

The funeral singer wouldn’t last long

He knew only a few sad songs

He asked her to give him one more chance

To let him be him and hold his stance

The gig folds, unfolds here

Nobody knows, nobody cares

Will she? Wont she?

In a dilemma is he!

The clown’s all red

In a bloody pool of his dead

He kills himself every moonlit night

Stretches a smile on his face

Farthest to chase

Love note

2008-03-01T03:35:00.003+05:30

Love note

I am writing my heart again

A love note in pain

Of love and sorrow

It seems just like a never ending tomorrow

Now the rain has gone

And it seems that you're the one who's alone

I remember the night, all the stars, you and me

But it’s hard to believe that now you don’t remember me

I was beautiful with you

Now with or without you

I have learnt to cherish

Your final wish...

Ask yourself a question

Was it ever a good proposition?

To conceive our children in my eyes

I know you weren't all lies

The time goes by

You had rightly said while loosening our ties

I remember the night, all the stars, me and you

But it’s hard to believe that now i don’t remember the look on you

I am beautiful again

Forgotten the dreams that you had lain

I am loving love again

She seems like an angel without a taint

My thoughts, they are cheating

Unjust is my writing

What i feel through her in my fingers

Can’t seem to pen down love that lingers

It’s always a beautiful dawn

When i wake up with her thoughts and walk alone

Wish i was sober from the last night

Love had got me high and tight

She holds me by my hand

As we fly and...

The time goes by

You had rightly said while loosening our ties

So say "doll"...

Isn’t it a droll?

I am getting older

She doesn’t let my love get over

We’ve walked the planet together

Tireless our feet feel like feathers

The rain is pouring again in no vain

Drenching us in love every weather

The nights, all the stars have been lit alive

We both seem to thrive

It’s a disgrace that you can’t have her anymore

Or we both together, like i do

Waking sleep

2008-02-27T23:31:00.001+05:30

Waking sleep

Don’t want to have sleep in my eyes

Would rather wake up to see sleep waking up in your eyes

Along with the first morning light you take me in

And i get a high therein

Look close enough now

I have grown without a trace now

In your love

Don’t shove me now

It’s been your spell

That has kept me captive, I can’t tell

I still want to hold your hand in sleep

Even when I am let free

Get up now

Or ill go on forever now

Dress up into something sober

It’ll suit you after a morning shower

Let me pat dry your hair

I can’t just see you from the comfort of this chair

I want you to know

That I savor the freshness of you hair

It will be a beautiful dawn

I’ll again leave myself to you in pawn

Worthy of something that is you

Wont come back to ask for it too

Let me make you something

And some caffeine to drink

Remember the flavor of the last time

They’ll again have elements of me

Let this morning be different like always

Feel for me strong in your own ways

And don’t tell me a thing

Tease me and make me feel the sting...

He doesn't make her like you

2008-02-21T23:58:00.001+05:30

He doesn’t make her like you

You could steal my breath tonight

Cause now he doesn’t make her like you, a'right

The alleys are getting tight now

And i am all shrinking because i am cold now

The fact that you could kill me

I still want you to be with me

Hold me tight tonight

Don’t wait for another night

Let’s make love tonight

Just like our kinda night

These alleys will lead us there, a'right

Hold me between your fingers tight

You be my breath tonight

Cause now he won’t make her like you, a’right

You make me one of a kind now

Part of a love that don’t exist now

Now its Friday’s night

Wid u wanna see the Sunday’s light

Wheres the Saturday gone now

Lost in your eyes don’t ask me how?

You could steal my breath tonight

Cause he made you for me, a'right!

2008-02-21T23:53:00.002+05:30

Another day

Yet another day

Yet another sec

Why should I tell you

That I fly when I walk besides you

You can’t really win

In loving you when I pitch in

It seems to be getting off hand now

Can’t get you off my mind now

I love you so

Don’t let me go

Yet another day

Love you? I may...

Forgetting the last

A day, fresh I start...

You don’t hold me back

I am here because I lack

A zest to think love beyond you

It’s true I have always been within you

Thoughts might cajole you now

Shrewdly I deny and how?

That you make me go pink

Whenever a thought of you comes and winks

But I should love you my way

You really have no say

I shouldn’t let you know

That I am in tears when you go...

2008-01-08T00:21:00.002+05:30

Father and son

Killing you softly

I do it so promptly

Hating you till breathless

Then choking with love’s mess

Last saw you on a bed

Fighting a horse riding you to a dead end

If given a choice I could have held it back

That night it could only be slowed down

Others were riding in similar ways

Life just plays

They were a little behind

Little slow

In the flow

No need to finish first

And still be at the losing end

I let you win

Showed you the short cut to the fin

But I loved you

That holds true

No tears outside

Flowing Nile inside

Nobody knows

Nobody cares

It still sends shivers down the line

Triggering pain time and time.

People see you in me

They find your sublime

Probably you didn’t win

You couldn’t reach the fin

I will keep you on track

Holding you back

Until I ride your horse

Myself hoping to get till the end.

2008-01-08T00:13:00.000+05:30

Keep faking

I see no love

Feel no pain

Makes me numb

A scum

I see truce

When I choose

To let it down

And give you the crown

But I house lava inside

And am infected from outside

I pop it like a guitar

And leave no scar

The crown will be falling

Help you’ll be calling

I see no harm

On bestowing you my charm

And I am angry

And I am hungry

I am virtuous too

In spreading the flu

It wont kill you instantly

I will be fingering you constantly

See me in the eye

When you cry

I might just leave your soul

Collecting ashes

You’ll be burning

On you ill be cooking

The broth…

Sitting tidy you might be now

But be careful somehow

I am not scaring you

Just telling you

I see beauty in you

Keep faking it until I catch you.

2007-12-03T23:32:00.000+05:30

She flows inside me

As her fragrance sinks into what beats within me..
..as she flows inside me..
..I feel life again as she thumps against me..
..I am colored red..
..they say I have come out of the dead..
..its love, within me she has bred.

2007-12-03T23:27:00.000+05:30

A dimmer you

Walking in the darkest of nights,
I see a dimmer you in your eyes,
But I still walk through..
..to see a brighter you.
Blinded I get as I walk through,
But I get a brighter you..

2007-11-14T02:54:00.001+05:30

Like yesterday

I might not love you as I did yesterday

But don’t take me to the end of it today

It was so simple and plain

When we had borrowed each other’s pain

Your sorrows had rained through our eyes

Stronger it held our ties

Holding to each other’s warmth

We had woken the night away

I might not love you as I did yesterday

But don’t take me to the end of it today

We knew they won’t ever understand

Our baby would be shred into strands

But we showed it the light

And were open for every fight

Remember? We had sung lullabies

And driven the fear away

I might not love you as I did yesterday

But don’t take me to the end of it today

Romance is in your eyes

Held me captivated like the vastness of the skies

It felt silk in your touch

I had awaited it so much

The depth of your silent soul

Had echoed inside me

I might not love you as I did yesterday

But don’t take me to the end of it today

It’s hard to believe

That one day I must leave..

..for some lesser being..

..this I am already fearing

The sky will be colored love red again

Amazing, even without you it won’t pain

I might not love you as I did yesterday

But don’t take me to the end of it today

Because I am still your baby

Forever maybe..

I may fly away as a dove

But will never grow out of your love

I might not love you as I did yesterday

But don’t take me to the end of it today

2007-11-14T02:44:00.000+05:30

Another mile...

In my thoughts...

Emptiness I fought

And I walked another mile

To see her smile

Out in the wild

Like a lost child

I say a little prayer

When I find her not near

I close my eyes

Hoping the time flies

As I keep falling

Her name I am calling

Am I reaching?

Is she listening?

I won’t see the light

Clenching my eyes tight

A universe I see

As inside me, her I feel

I hum a little rhyme…

…as I walk, guess its time..

Must fasten the steps

Wet, lick my lips

The freshness of her hair

I could breathe it in the air

Passing through the trees

Following the fire flies

I could see her

Also searching for me...

2007-07-15T19:56:00.000+05:30

You’re my winter’s dew

Thought I would write..
.. you something,
In my mind I had..
..so many things.

Thought I would..
..message you,
That over and over I miss you.

But that you know too,
So let me tell you..
..something new,
That you’re my winter’s dew.

On every window sheet,
That I look through,
You remind me,
Of love so true.

I see you in my very sight,
On my glasses that I wear..
..wiping you off I so much fear.

Writing my name over you,
Reaffirming to those sheets that I love you,
And trickling down the shiny plane,
You too respond the same.

Hope this winter,
Passes slow
Have to find you..
..in summers too.

2007-07-07T18:52:00.000+05:30

Just before you go..

And just before u go,
I want you to know.

I cried,
And died,
When I realized…
…that how much I tried…
…the roses dried..

When u won’t be here,
I would be longing for u there…
…in my heart,
It would be hard.

And just before u leave,
I want u to feel.

When in my heart I fear,
Open it, in this process I tear,
Can’t really hide,
What’s melting inside.

When my eyes rain,
Inside the world goes insane,
In so much pain,
It happens in a chain.

But just before u go,
I want u to hear.

That in your eyes,
I suffice,
I have a reason,
They make me go crimson,

I promise that I won’t be weak,
And Ill be fine within a tweak.

And as I let you go,
I know that you know,
That it is just a phase,
And together we’ll face..

2007-07-05T19:07:00.000+05:30

Night’s sorrow

Whistling in the night,
Thinking of you,
Missing your insight.

Should I smoke?
Would you come?
And stop me?
I must hope..

Cant help smiling,
Thinking…
Within me you are filling

Those eyes,
And goodbyes,
Leaving me…
…with the endless thoughts
Of love that I had sought.

I remember
The touch…
…of love so much.

Have to count stars..
…tonight,
Cant really help,
You are so far.

I sometimes wonder,
And ponder,
How a promise to…
…meet me again tomorrow…
…washes away the night’s sorrow?

In a stream,
Of you in my dream,
I’ll fight the dark,
To see the morning’s star.

Tomorrow will be a new day,
Longer will we stay?
Still, early ill drop you home,
Want my nights to miss you…
…more and more.

2007-06-14T01:44:00.000+05:30

to me

to he

(Dedicated to an evergreen friendship, called Kushagra)

in loss or gain

in so much pain

i walk

to talk

to someone

hes the only one

i dont speak

we are freaks

the unspoken word

means the world

to me

to he

a cry in the dark

or when in any lark

together we have been

and have seen

child in us grow

in winds, to and fro

trumpets we now blow

life's in flow

the saga will continue

we'll prepare the menu

wat "it" has to serve

to fulfill our verve

to me

to he

the saga just continues....

2007-06-02T03:25:00.000+05:30

He’ll understand..

Moments, I let them pass

Wait, is my task

Every sunrise, is what I count

Hope, is what I want

Everyday I am dawning

Pouring and yearning

With desire

To fire

To hire

Another test

Onto my chest

To receive the pain

Of life’s lain

When in darkness

I am in harness

I close my eyes

Loosen all the ties

On my knees

Him I please

Get down low

And bow

Cause he chose me

In tests to sheen

To fall

Then stand tall

I took the blows

Got really slow

Now I am fine

I think its time

Hope he’s unlike me

Next to me

His son will stand

And understand

He’ll take me to a place

Where I am free

And could fly above the trees

Then love I’ll seek

At its peak

Moments, I let them pass

Wait, is my task

Every sunrise, is what I count

Hope, is what I want

2007-05-03T22:35:00.000+05:30

I want to..

I want to speak to you..
What your ears cant listen to..

I want to hear you..
Even when, someone else you’re speaking to..

I want to see you..
When you’re quite and don’t want me to..

I want to feel u..
When in distress my mind
Wants someone to hold on to..

2007-05-03T22:29:00.000+05:30

My gratification..

I am closing my mind
Away form you to find

Its starts with fear
That you might come near

Its not my fault
I live in a vault
Away from all this chaos
Between my need and your want

Cause I strife
For a life
That’s devoid
Of voids
Of expectations
Of unrealistic presumptions

Cause if you give me love
I’ll give you wings
For you to fly
And leave me to try

Again in my vault
Its not my fault

But I fancy here
A podium I share
With my conscious mind
And subconscious find

They power me into versification
And I write for their satisfaction
..my gratification

2007-05-03T22:21:00.000+05:30

Love is so...

Love is so dreary like
Waking up to early mornings

Startling to the perching rooster
Letting out his fright

To follow the samey
Old number daily

Watching the sun rise
To take up its prestige

Cycling through the tacky
Brown track

Following ma animals
Hurrying them to the earth

Scrutinizing the beasts
Winding up their feasts

Heat soaking up the afternoon dopey
Fishing up a nap, I am hopey

Waking up to slug down
The sustenance my other half prepared

Day will be shortening
Animals will be tiring

Watching the sun go down
Must leave for the town

Following the parched
Crumbly track

Chasing ma animals
Hurrying them to the shed

Counting the beasts
Resting them under cover

Seeing ma adoration
Watching my way
Feeling fresh again
The day was worth all the pain

Coming closer to ma features
She does it again,
“Wake up, its morning, still sleeping?”

..and love is so dreary as always
Like waking up to early mornings

2007-04-15T21:15:00.000+05:30

Safe in my heart..
(Dedicated to my sweet chum,Nidhi)

Slid into my memories,
Tucked away safe in my heart.

Its been so long,
I’m trying to brush off the time we’d lost.

And in between,

The moments were lonely,
The winning, so absurd.

The mornings were inky,
And the nights so blazed.

Had light across the tunnel
Bleary eyed is what I had been.

And I thought I’d die tomorrow,
But you came,
Called my name.

You slid into my memories,
Tucked away safe in my heart.

Its seems forever,
I’m trying to pull back the time, we had before.

And now,

The moments have company,
And the winning so reasonable.

The mornings are shining
And the nights now put me to sleep.

There is a sun in every tunnel,
Starry eyed is what I’ll be.

And I think I’ll live forever,
If you come again
And call my name.

Stay in my memories,
You‘ll be safe in my heart….

2007-04-01T16:00:00.000+05:30

The last, I write

I laughed the last time, you made me to
I cry now, why haven’t you come to soothe me yet?

It’s not just the pain
But the loneliness that I have gained.

Didn’t tell me, what I wasn’t
I was dying inside you, was apparent.

Smoldering what we had
You smothered me, you were bad.

I wasn’t asked to look back
Because you had lost your humane face.

It’s not that, only hate I write
But it’s chaste from the now numb heart.

It’s the last, I write for you
The pot is dry of all the tears.

2006-10-27T00:32:00.000+05:30

Glitter could blind

Cloud so dark
Taking over
One so white

Rays can’t reach
Anymore
They are caged
By the falling drops

Still an arc
Of seven colors
Will show a path
To glitter

Glitter could blind
But accepted it is
Don’t want to be
Blinded by just a
Mere cloud.

2006-07-18T14:18:00.000+05:30

Must go….to come back again.

Life in a fast lane,
Picking up things,
With no names.
You came and
Turned it all around.

Now no more in a hurry,
I was halted,
Halted for good.

Standing at your door,
Waiting for us to go,
Wanting to take you along.

It wasn’t to be,
Like a free bird,
You had to go this and
I had to go that way.

Wanderer I was,
Wanderer I’ll be.
That day will come soon,
When I’ll be searching,
Your love again.

Maybe that day,
Our ways is the same.

Till then let me,
Wander.
Wander to search,
Myself.

Its time.
I must go.
Hug me goodbye.

Look into my eyes,
I’m taking you in it.

I’ll never close my eyes
Or go to sleep.
Don’t want you to look different
When I wake up again!

Promise me that’
You’ll be the same
And I’ll also do the same!

2006-07-01T23:08:00.000+05:30

They never loved me...

They never loved me,

always you were loved.

You came from which star,

in the sky?

Will you show me its way?

Your golden blonde,

outshine my black.

My earthy brown skin,

seems a land so barren.

Your silver is accepted,

any day given.

They never loved me,

always you were loved.

You came from which star,

in the sky?

Will you show me its way?

Is everyone beautiful,

on your star?

And good in everything,

at par?

Does it rain love there?

Like do tears here?

They never loved me,

always you were loved.

You came from which star,

in the sky?

Will you show me its way?

Are you spoon-fed everyday?

Like we live in shadows,

night and day?

You know?

My heart pains,

when desires are in vain.

Heap of broken dreams,

suppress every scream.

They never loved me,

always you were loved.

You came from which star,

in the sky?

Will you show me its way?

Your blue eyes,

have seen everything in light.

My black blinded me,

the day I was born.

I am a black sheep,

wandering without a shepherd.

They never loved me,

always you were loved.

you came from which star,

in the sky?

Will you show me its way?

2006-06-24T02:19:00.000+05:30

Water boy

SN depot is the stand from where I usually get the 615 to go to R.K.Puram sector III to get the Bahari Mudrika to get to Saket to catch another bus to get closer to my research lab for training. At the depot stand I usually sit on the bars along the stand. Since I started going through this route, a water boy had also started to post his new water-wagon for the heat season. I just used to sit besides his wagon, which he used to wipe all the time he got to spare from work of quenching the thirst of the thirsty. We just used to give stares to each others; my stares were to counter his. I had no business with the boy.
His stares were the stares of disgust as if telling the story of a poor boy that was not enjoying what he was doing and wanted to come out of all this mess but, there was no way out. Stares just continued for a month every time telling the same old story. We still had nothing for each other to say.
One morning as usual when I was at the stand, waiting for the 615, the water boy had again reached the spot on time with his wagon. After struggling to post his wagon at the spot, he again went to cleaning-shleaning. My bus was taking too long to come so I had plenty of time to watch the traffic go by. The boy finished his routines and sat next to me, in btw he was visited by his father who himself used to be a water boy himself few a years ago, now he had given up to search something better. Now his son had taken over from him.
The father checked everything and left after he was satisfied. The boy just sat next to me on the bars and again gave the stares. But this time the stares were not the usual, strange. This time he looked as if expecting something from me. But what?
After some time I was back to watching the traffic go by. But suddenly a boyish voice broke my concentration “Kal to sale he nahin hua.”. I just looked at the direction from where the voice had come, it was the water boy looking at me in anticipation I being startled and not knowing what to say, I could only say “Haan”. But he continued,”rains are about to arrive, the weather seems to be getting cooler; no one seems to be thirsty these days. I said “two days to go for the rains”. “Yes my sale only starts at around noon”. And he continued “Yesterday very few people came. Buses come every five minutes, so people don’t stand at the stands that long to feel thirsty enough to boost my sale. Yesterday the owners youngest came to collect the sale earnings from me, but since he comes very less, I couldn’t recognize him and refused to give the money to him. In the end I got a scolding from my father”. I just sat listening to what he had to speak, all were going over my head and I could do nothing but to just listen. In btw I continued with my yes’s and no’s. He continued “yesterday one of my friends was beaten by a couple of police men, because he refused to give them water for free. He had a broken hand. Few wagon guys passing by took him to a nearby dispensary.” I couldn’t say anything, he sounded as if he had known me since so many years that, he had to tell me all those. I soon had to leave the spot as my bus had arrived. I never could stop myself from wondering, what had happened?
Unfortunately that was my last day to my training so I never had to board the bus from that bus stop. And so it still remains a mystery of how for a day I had become so dear to a water boy.

The end.

2006-06-24T02:17:00.000+05:30

Trusting my unholy ness!

Strange world here
My worthiness only a mere
So much good buried inside
I push them deeper down the aisle.

As people were trusting my unholy ness!

It’s been ten years
Since I came to terms with it
That no matter how good you are
There was always someone to
Knock you from where you were.

As people only trusted my unholy ness!

I knew that there was no one
To beat me in my fascination
To defeat the system.

As I started trusting my unholy ness!

As the rebel in me grew
To the heights that was
Unstoppable and could
Not be put to curfew.

As my tryst with unholy ness grew and grew!

One day I realized
Had no friends
Had only people who wanted to be me
And the people whom I wanted to be.

As I trusted my unholy ness!

The cycle continued to run
With ever increasing rpm’s
With fast paced rebelism
It was dizzy out there.

As my trust with unholy ness grew sour….

I started realizing that
I had come too far
With too many enemies and
People that hated me.

As my trust with unholy ness was broken…..

I was lost and alone
Between billions of us
With all the good buried
So much deeper
Had ploughs with hands
So much smaller.

I begged and promised
But no one to hear
That I no longer
“Trust my unholy ness”!

2006-06-24T02:13:00.000+05:30

Love you like insane…..

With every day spent
And every seconds that went
I got closer to you
Knew you too.

What all the actions meant
The signals you sent
Were all in the book
You opened to me.

You have been closer to me
Unlike, far that I have been.

As your soul I touched
And heart I fetched
My inner self grew darker
As the prevailing rainy clouds.

So much inside
To let outside
My past, my present
Both so different.

I had left the dark
To come into the light
The past, you had to know
And I had to tell.

To tell you the truth
And break the myth
I have never been
The person you loved.

But, I have changed
And changed for good
The day you came
I left the path of “the insane”.

Since then,
With every day spent
And seconds that went
I loved you
Like insane.
Sanity never reached
And vanity was so fair.

So if you promise to come along
And leave the past behind
We will walk the path of insanity
To love each other more and more.

2006-06-24T01:44:00.000+05:30

Hand in hand they go

A trip to remember
Remember every bit
From day one
To day nine

One of them wasn’t too keen
But fate had to intervene
The train was boarded
Before it hooted
And there they go
Merrily they go

Initial few days
Were hectic always
She had no time
He was busy all the time
Were always busy with people who mattered
Were they that mattered?

For she came for him
And he came for her
Days passed
When they were apart

Neither had they talked
Nor they had joked
Fun was ending
With three more days pending

One midnight they were together
In a bus fortunately
Had nothing to talk unfortunately
It was hard to believe
Best of friends they had been

She was busy looking outside
The window
Uncountable stars and a moon
Over the cloudy pillow

He had closed his eyes
Thinking how to hit a conversation
Otherwise…………

Suddenly a sob was heard
He looked around but
Not a single one had murmured

He looked over his right shoulder
And there she was sobbing
And sobbing
What is the matter?
Why is she so battered?

He asked…..
Are you angry with me? Is it my
Fault?
But…
She was not angry with “he” and
It was not his fault

She had been lonely for days
Between so many people around always
He was not even in the pictures
In the last few fixtures

He realized, they had not
Been together
That was a thing to bother

Dumb was he
Was he dumb?
Not knowing what to do
He simply asked for her hand

Holding each other’s hands
They were relieved
Neither talking
Nor joking
Now they had each other
Still a long distance

As hand in hand they go…………………!!

2006-06-24T01:22:00.000+05:30

4.5 days to hell, heaven and back

7:30 in the morning a missed call from Saurabh, he is waiting outside. I open the door, mom-dad are not at home. Little bugged up with last nights conversation with Dev and Apoorv, I call Kushagra, Saurabh enters through the opened door and seats himself on the sofa while I am still on the phone “ Yaar meri phat rahi hai, I am leaving after a little time, you try to come early, please!”. “Do one thing give me a call as soon you reach Pune, I am a bit worried, take care”, Saurabh said as I finished with Kush.

I locked the place and we, Saurabh and I went towards the bus stop, Rachit was waiting there. He was told about my plans to visit my girl. At first he thought that I was just traveling within Delhi, lying to my people. But when everything was cleared to him, his amazement could be seen on his face. We talked for sometime bout the waiting list thing which was bugging me for quite a sometime, Rachit was a revelation, and he sounded encouraging. They boarded the 56 wishing me luck and I decided to take an auto with butterflies in my stomach.

Reached the New Delhi Station at around 8:45 am. Went straight to the inquiry office to find the status of my ticket, 97 and still wait listed since yester night. Thought of trying out my luck at the Tatkal service, but it was of no use “List has already been prepared, can’t get the Tatkal”, said the inquiry man. Felt lost for some time, checked the platform where the train was supposed to come, platform 4. By 9:00 I was at the platform knowing nothing to do. Looking for the chart display I reached a bench which was seated by a couple of Army people and Manish Dutta. He was a civil engineer from a small village in Pune who was going back to his roots after being associated with the Delhi Metro. He being a veteran of 10s of wait listed journeys was encouraging and assured me to help me reach Pune. We together boarded the S5 bogey hoping to get a couple of seats together. We shared the berths with few more army people and their families. Journey was quite pleasing (unexpected), people seemed too good to be true. We bonded through plays of their kids and the tales of their heroics, from Siachin to Rann of Kuchh you name them and they had it. The family had to drop in btw so only the single guys were left, but not a long distance to go we still had time to talk about cell phones, technologies and the filthy oldies. In btw the whole journey, our conversations were interrupted by the TT, he had no seats to offer no matter how much you offer in green. Reached Pune junction around 4:15 then she called, she bole to, Swati, the reason for me to go to Pune. It was decided to meet at the E-Square. Reached there at 5:00, had to look for the food court, it was asked for. I was told it was on the first floor, I found it on the second. There she was sitting at one of the tables. Her eyes seemed to be chasing me while coming up the stairs. I went to her and gave a pat on the head. She seemed relieved.

“You are such a big jerk”, she said, as she always does. “What was the need to come here, I am fine”. “Don’t ask me the reasons for what I do for you”, I repeated for…. I don’t know how many times, since we started going around.
We sat there for some time looking at each other and speaking in btw. She was a bit worried about her bro turning up at the E-Square. I was least bothered cause that time it felt that I had received Nirvana and was prepared for anything that may come. At the back of my mind I also had the feeling since- (I have come a long, long way to baby, from the hard times to the good, I have to celebrate you baby, I have to praise you like I should) and since nothing had gone wrong, so, It could be my lucky day, I was immortal.

We didn’t eat, had to make a few phones call so came out of the E-Square. Went to a nearby food stall. It was that time of the day when everyone seemed to be sleeping, so, we went ahead. She just wanted to sit and talk but, somewhere else, so it was my day out in Pune coming straight from the station. We walked…………. and walked it never seemed to end. But I loved it, a girl who hated walking was giving me competition, she had changed. We decided to skip CCDs and Barista (possibility of her bro being there). Sipped cola at one of the eateries and moved along in search of a lodge, I had no place to stay at night. It was a disappointment at a couple of them, Trimurti was going to be my last try, as I had decided to sleep under the tree or go back to the station.

Luckily Trimurti had a room for 200 bucks (good enough for me since I wasn’t carrying that much cash for my luxuries, I had to go back too). So after all her tensions cleared she took me to a temple, Shri…..Shri, aw leave it. The temple was on top of a hill, had to go all the way up to reach the Lover’s spot (yeah), was she testing me ??? But still made it, she gushing for air. We sat at one of the pavements.

One could see the whole of Pune from there, believe me Pune is a damn beautiful city. It was very quite there, strange, with so many people around. Cool breeze was taking away all my pains, as if it had already not gone away after meeting Swati. We sat there for some time, me clicking pictures she just sat quietly. We talked for some time. A kiss just replenished me. While going down Dev called at her cell, mine was switched off. He asked bout my well being, he said he won’t be able to make it to Pune in any grounds, had some lectures to attend.

While coming down the hill we stopped at a stall to have some gunne ka juice. They were good and I needed them. So, after we left the temple, she seemed empty of things to do next. We stooped at one of the eateries, though both of us were not hungry, still we ordered something. We paid our bills leaving the food uneaten.

It was 9:00 in the evening. After dropping her to the hostel, I returned to my lodge, at around 9:45. Having nothing to do, I quickly freshened up and went out discovering the city. I say again, Pune is a damn beautiful city. It seemed like a smaller version of Delhi, having everything but, not over flowing with it. I took a walk down the footpath, eat outs, food joints, CCD, Barista, ice cream parlors, you name it they had it! Couldn’t walk more, more over my room was calling me. So, took some ciggis was in my room by 11:30.

Trimurti was on the FC road. FC- Fergusson college, known for prostitution and drug marketing. So I was staying in the hub. The lodge was on top of a bar and a panwaala. The room was ok but needed some tiding up. While unpacking and cleaning the room, used condoms were found in every corner of the room. I wasn’t staying at the right place but, it wasn’t the only chance that I had taken. Spent the night puffing and thinking bout what to do next tomorrow. I finished around 1:30 and went to bed.

Woke up late the next morning. Did my job and went out to get a shave. Last night I had already checked where the saloon was so it wasn’t difficult to look for one when you were in need of one (these are the tricks of survival; one learns when he/she is in dire straits).

Scene:
Aseem at the barber’s mercy.

Barber: Sir, you don’t belong to Pune?
Aseem: No sir, I am from Delhi.
Barber: Really! Which part of Delhi?
Aseem: Have you been to Delhi?
Barber: Sir, I came form Govindpuri.
Aseem: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Small world?).

Whew! So, I was back to my lodge by 9:30.Took a bath, finally! Needed a breakfast, was damn hungry. Good thing bout FC road was that it had lots of good eating joints; one was just below my lodge. Had some breakfast (ciggi too, I was free and my own man). Back at my room, I had nothing to do. Been there at the FC road since half a day and still haven’t seen the Fergusson College???

I entered the college without an I-card (India, my man). The college was huge spanning huge acres of land. When I entered, it seemed empty but, they were having exams so………. Never the less, I entered the library, which was closed for the exams. They let me hover around its huge halls thinking I was one of the members of the college’s faculty. Soon they realized their mistake and kicked me out of they library. It was fun, believe me. I wandered around a bit discovering the college; it was beautiful, unlike our DU colleges. The grounds were huge and naked. A tennis ball cricket match was going on between two colleges; it looked tempting to play, because they all looked as bunch of jerks running after the ball all together in one direction. It was very hot there so took some pics and returned to my room at the lodge.

Back at my room, she messaged that she’ll be a bit late. Since had nothing to do taking a nap seemed a better option. So I slept from 12:30 till around 2:00. Did some packing, had to leave that evening only.

She reached around 2:45, my packing was done so we had plenty of time to sit back relax and chat.

We had plenty to talk and ponder on, more or less we needed some time together and how three and half hours passed is still unanswered. We left my lodge at around 6:30 pm., our destination being E- square again. The square wasn’t that amusing so we took a walk from there to an eating joint; again we had plenty to talk on our way to the joint. After stuffing ourselves it was decided we take another walk till I drop her to her hostel.

Earlier our talks used to be endless, but now it seemed to be getting quieter. It was a sign that her hostel was fast approaching and I had to leave her again. The trip seemed so much shorter (I wanted to stay but had to leave). Around 9:30 I dropped her to her hostel and again took a walk to the auto stand. 35 bucks it cost me to reach the railway station. But Pune railway station wasn’t where I had to catch the train to Delhi. It was, from where I had to catch a bus to Mumbai Central, from where I would be getting the train. I got a cab for 200 bucks till Dadar. Three more people were with me. Two of them were young businessmen from Mumbai. As we moved swiftly over the smooth Mumbai-Pune highway our conversations revolved btw Marutis, purani dilli, unchained melody and cab drivers in Mumbai.

They were right bout the cab drivers people (weird people), he dropped us not in Dadar but some where else and he refused to budge from there nobody had that much time to stand and argue with him so, me and another passenger left decided to go on our way on our own. It took me 125 bucks more from god knows where to Mumbai Central.

I reached the Central around 1:30 am. The first train to leave it was around 4:30am, the platforms weren’t open and the people were sleeping outside. My train was to hit the platform up at 7:30 am so; I had nothing to do for the next 6 hours. I tried to sleep on the floor but it was too uneasy and hot. I got up and hovered around a bit but couldn’t find anything interesting there. I once wandered towards the platforms before time but, to be chased away by the cop. So finally dejected, I sat besides a man who seemed to be the only person awake besides me. He had a story to tell, of why he had come to Mumbai. I soon realized, the person was drunk and kept on repeating the same story over and over again. Disappointed with him I again went to sleep on the floor only to wake up around 5:00 am in the morning. It was a hard night (ahem…morning?), woke up and took some coffee. Brushing my teeth could wait, but first some breakfast. I had the most delicious and well made omelet ever. Being refreshed I took to some site viewing, the Central had McDs, cafes et al under one huge roof, but they hadn’t open until I was there at the platform.

My train was on time. I went to check my ticket status, again wait listed, this time 56. My train hit the platform. I had to bid ‘good bye’ to Maharashtra, it was a nice feeling. The train left the platform on schedule. As advised by Kushagra I captured the TT’s seat. It was a nice advice as now I did not have to worry about where to sit, if again I don’t get a berth to sleep. But, now who needed a berth to sleep?

The journey seemed pretty ok once it had started, but after a couple of stations there was a gush of local mumbaites on to the train. Some were going work while some returning from it. I gave away my place to some oldies also traveling; now I could brush and wash up. For next couple of stations there was more influx of people. But later on it got quite a bit empty. I got my seat back.

With time I discovered that the journey wasn’t that ok, it was the worst train that I had ever traveled on. It had no pantry car attached with it, so for most of the journey I had to remain hungry and thirsty; yeah they even had no one selling mineral water bottles. Even worst was still to come, the train was to travel through Gujrat, so sick Gujratis were to accompany me till Delhi. Holy shit! Once there was a scary moment too when for some part of the journey I was troubled by an insane girl, who wanted to come to Delhi with me.

A Muslim family entered, they had boarded the wrong bogey and had lots of luggage to carry so they decided to remain here giving away their seats. They seemed fully loaded for the trip. They had lambs chops since morning till night, it was adding to my agony. I spent more money on eunuchs then on Swati during the trip. Every station a new one would turn up, I would rather give them something then refuse. I was a bit scared of them. So, one whole day had passed, I was to reach Delhi next day at around 1:30 pm. The wait was too long. Whole morning I did nothing, just spent most of the time thinking about how to go about the things in Delhi. Soon I reached the Faridabad area; I had to land up at New Delhi railway station, so still it was along way to go. Then I reached the Okhala station it was much closer to my home so, I grabbed my bag and landed.

The end.